Route Bliss

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week … which partially inspired today’s post …
After watching (through a child’s eyes) a parent go through infertility and now struggling with it myself, there’s a few do’s and don’ts that I — and many many others — wish others were aware of during this part of our story and would (or would not) do …

Ask us how we’re doing/feeling — and just listen in response.

Give us the opportunity to put our heart out there without judgment or trying to fix our situation for us. We just need to be able to talk, to express the emotions that we are struggling with. We don’t always need — or want — advice as a response either. Tell us you’re thinking of us, that it sucks, and ask what can you do for us instead.
I realize there’s a chance you’ve probably dealt with this yourself or know someone that did and X worked for them. And that’s great — but wait for the appropriate moment to share that tidbit with us … not when our heart is tender and we’re needing to talk or vent.

And, remember, just because whatever tip you have worked for someone doesn’t mean it will work for everyone. And … we’ve probably already heard of and/or tried it.

Pray.

The biggest thing you can do for someone struggling with infertility is to pray for them. If you don’t believe in a higher power, sending positive thoughts or good juju the way of someone struggling through infertility is the best thing you can do.

Respect our need to keep some things to ourselves, at least for a while.

With PCOS in particular, there’s a higher risk of miscarriage in the first trimester. Add in infertility, possible treatments, and there’s so much we just don’t want to share, at least not right away. We realize you care and want to be our cheerleader — just know, we’ll tell you when the time is right. Also, there are some people we want to share deets (good and not so good) with sooner than others (our parents and closest friends for instance) before the rest of the world.

Don’t tell us to “just relax” … or that it “could be worse”

No, really, do NOT use either of those phrases or anything similar.
Ever.

I’ve heard the ‘just relax’ one so many times in the last fifteen plus months that it has become all I can do to not respond with thanking whoever has stated it for making me feel like more of a failure. If only fixing infertility was as easy as ‘just relaxing.’
It’s not.

And reminding us that we are stressed doesn’t help in the least bit. We already know we need to relax. Especially with PCOS where cortisol levels are already wacky — one can only relax or de-stress so much. The hormones don’t always allow us to do so 😉

Instead, tell us you’re thinking of us, praying for us, and crack jokes, tell us something off topic from infertility altogether to distract from the hurt, frustration, and (sometimes physical) pain we’re enduring.
As for the ‘could be worse’ statement … could our situation be worse? Yes, it could be. But saying that doesn’t make our situation better, you’ve just made an infertility warrior that’s already struggling feel like their situation isn’t worthy of being concerned, scared, or frustrated over.

On that note, don’t tell us about the couples that stopped intentionally trying and got pregnant out of nowhere – or went on a vacation and came back pregnant.

That’s wonderful for them, really, but that isn’t always how it works out the majority of the time.

Wanna know how many trips we’ve been on since we officially began TTC’ing and didn’t find ourselves pregnant within a few weeks. Not a single one of them — and we’ve been on five trips since January 2018. Granted, only two of those trips could it have been possible in terms of timing …

Don’t tell us we have plenty of time or that we haven’t tried long enough.

Unless you are a doctor that specializes in female reproductive health or infertility, please refrain from making statements like this. I firsthand know it can take a very long time, seriously — my brother is over eight years younger than me due to infertility; once upon a time, I dated a guy (not Davis) whose parents struggled for over a decade before having him, then over another decade before having baby #2.

Also, no matter one’s age, you don’t know how long they have. One of the things I learned on my first appointment with the RE was about ovarian reserve. We females are born with approximately 1 million eggs — all the eggs we’ll ever have. By puberty, we only have 750,000 left. Every single day from puberty until menopause, we lose, on average, eight (yes EIGHT) eggs a day. Some women are diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve in their 20s, while others make it into their 30s before it could become an issue.

Don’t tell us we can always adopt.

While Davis and I are open to adoption and are researching what route is best for us all-around (including the financial side) should having our own biological child prove to be impossible, it is not something that others are open or willing to consider. Again, it is better to say nothing at all than to put a figurative foot in your mouth in an attempt to be ‘helpful’.
… and, in general …

Please stop asking couples when they’re going to start a family … or telling them they need to get a move on making their parents grandparents.

Maybe they don’t plan to have children. Maybe they’ve been trying to get (and stay) pregnant and have been unsuccessful.

Whatever the reason, know this: it is NOT your business to know their life plan.

Just stop asking that question period.

I get it, it’s become conversational, just like talking about the weather. However, being nosy (whether out of needing to know, wanting to gossip, or honestly, just genuinely interested/care about the couple) needs to stop. If they want to share that information with you, they will … on their terms and in their own way when the time is right.

Don’t point out or comment on all the pregnant (or appear to be) pregnant women out there or all the babies.

We can see that too. And we’re dying a little inside every time we notice it, but even more so when it’s pointed out to us. I nearly walked out of Ulta’s salon last year with hair dye in my hair when the hairdresser kept commenting on all the pregnant women and babies in the store that afternoon as she was applying dye to my hair. Needless to say, I haven’t been back to Ulta for salon services or anything else since.

Unless you’re a little kid who is curious and doesn’t know better, don’t ask every female you notice with non-flat belly if they are pregnant or when they are due.

This has happened to me thanks to all the PCOS weight gain around the middle — both while single as well as since getting married. It’s rude y’all. Don’t. (and … on that note, whenever I really/finally find myself pregnant, don’t touch said belly without asking unless you’re my husband or doctor …).

Fellow infertility warriors and women in general, what would you add to this list? Share in the comments below …